In my last post, “On losing track…”, I wrote about the challenge of holding on to your passion and motivation from day to day; about those days when you wake up and don’t feel like doing anything at all.
More recently, however, I’ve been experiencing a different kind of challenge.
I’m just…kind of fed up.
After another week of late nights, 9pm meetings and crazy back and forths between different projects, I’m just feeling a little tired of it all. Don’t get me wrong, I love the work that I’m doing; love that it is fulfilling and leaves me feeling as though I am accomplishing something worthwhile. But sometimes I just can’t help but wish it were…easier.
Wish that I didn’t have to give up most of my nights in a week to put in extra hours (or, alternatively – I wish that when I did take time for myself, when I said “no” to work, that it wasn’t also accompanied by strong feelings of guilt. As if somehow, by prioritizing my own needs, I’d done something wrong). Wish I had a predictable schedule so that I could actually manage a social life without going crazy in the process.
Working in the social justice sphere is great, but it also forces you to make certain life adjustments. It’s not always the case, but there are days like today where I just…don’t want to.
Sometimes I’d like to get home at 5pm, and actually have ended my work day. Would like to be able to go to the gym (would like to be making enough money to actually afford going to the gym), or for a run, without having to wake up at 5am (or at least, have waking up at 5am to do so be a choice, not a necessity). Would like to be able to disconnect from email and job related social media over the weekend without fearing the inevitable onslaught of things to respond to come Monday morning.
I’m not sure what the answer is in addressing this issue. It is made more complicated by the fact that, despite these occasional feelings, I wouldn’t change what I was doing for the world. At the same time that there are days where I want to say “forget it”, I also love the busy rush, the late nights and the looming deadlines. It keeps me fueled, motivated and energized. So maybe this is all normal, and maybe I’m just whining (I prefer the term “venting”). But maybe that’s also ok. Maybe that’s just what we need sometimes. Besides, I’M AN ADULT NOW I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.
Until next time.